Dear Heavy Hearts,
There is a popular song by Hillsong called “Even when it hurts.” It is one of my favorite worship songs because it perfectly describes somebody in pain. It seems like the world has a little too much of it lately. I look around at all the people and I wonder, what are they going through? And are they fighting it with God? Or are they fighting against him?
I have never been anything but completely honest and real with you guys in my articles. And that’s not going to stop anytime soon. Recently I had to make a really, really hard decision. This decision has changed my future and has brought me a lot of pain recently. And I know that there is much more to come. I know what I did was right, but that doesn’t mean it was any easier. My relationship with God is the most important thing to me, so I had a choice. I either had to choose him, or myself.
When I was in the middle of making that choice I remembered an article I wrote awhile back, it was called “Don’t Abandon God.” As I sat there on my living room coach thinking about what I was going to do, I realized by choosing myself and what I wanted, I was going to abandon him. And there was no way I was going to do that. So that was it.
I had to say goodbye to a number of people I really cared about. I had to give up the only thing I ever really wanted. I had to give up something I had prayed for for a number of years. At the moment I had given God everything. There was nothing else that mattered to me more ON THIS EARTH than what I had given up. I am afraid of what to do next, I am afraid of what the next step is now. I felt so strongly in my heart that I was on the road God had created for me. I knew (or thought I knew) what Gods plan was. I don’t know if he is testing me right now, you see I just don’t know. And I think that is what makes this whole situation harder.
All I know is that I now have to come face to face with this trial every week. I have to look it straight in the face and know that I can’t have it. I was going to run away from it. I was going to leave it in the dust as I made my way to a new place once again. But you see you can never run away from God or his plans. They will always catch up with you, I am tired of running I am tired of being afraid of life. Its time to be brave and stand by God. Because once you choose to become a Christian you are basically saying you are ready for war.
It hurts so much, and what really hard is I know I have the power to change that. I know that I could go back. It’s not too late. I could choose my flesh. I want to choose my flesh…but you see that will never make you happy. The only thing that will make me happy is God. So I will continue to give it all up for him. I will continue to bare the pain, I will be brave and I will always stand by him. Because he always stood by me, even when I was at my darkest.
I don’t know what Gods plan is, I am just a girl holding her daddy’s hand as we guilds me through the woods. I can’t tell you what God has planned for you either. No one can. We are not supposed to know. But I can promise you, choosing to follow God is better than following this world. And no matter how hard you try you can’t run away from your problems. So be brave, and stay and fight.
Hang in there,