I just sat there with tears streaming down my eyes. Worship going on all around me, I had just given up everything. Every promise I had gotten over the last year, every hope I had and the vision I had seen. I had let the enemy pervert my blessings to me, I had let him into my life to play God with my future, and with my mind.
“No more! No way! I give it all up today!” I have grown, I have aged, I have paid the price for all the lies I let into my itching ears. Without realizing it I had chained myself. God wanted to give me a blessing I didn’t know how to receive, so instead of going to him for my answers, I went to a man. I trusted the wrong people, I let them speak to me as if they were my God. I started to take on their “visions” and revelations as my own. Saying “God showed me this.” Only to find out they were completely false. Have you ever done that before? Am I the only one?
I let false prophecy in. And that is totally. On. Me. So now what? Where do I go now? What do I do? No instruction was coming to me from the Holy Spirit. I went home that night and cried for hours straight.
The next morning I woke filled with grief. Yet holding onto patience I waited for God to reveal something to me. I worshiped, I wept, I walked, and I sat in a field of yellow flowers. As I was sitting there singing Oceans crying my heart out to God, and letting go of the past to be open to a new future, swallows started to fly all around me in a circle. “What does this mean Lord?” I asked. As I looked up two turtle doves flew above me at different times, so I decided to google verses on swallows. Here is what I came up with:
“swal’-o (deror; strouthos, in Proverbs and Psalms, chelidon, in Isa; Latin Hirundo rustica): A small long-winged bird of exhaustless flight, belonging to the family Hirundinidae. Deror means the bird of freedom, and as the swallow is of tireless wing, it has been settled upon as fitting the requirements of the text. In the passages where ‘aghur is translated “swallow,” there is a mistake, that word referring to the crane. There is also a word, cuc or cic, that means a rushing sound, that is incorrectly translated “swallow,” when it should be “swift” (Cypselus apus).
The swallow is a trifle larger and different in color. It remains all the year, while in numerous instances the swift migrates and is a regular sign of returning spring. The swallow is of long and tireless flight. The swift is so much faster that the sound of its wings can be heard when passing. The swallow plasters a mud nest under eaves, on towers, belfries, and close to human habitations. The swifts are less intimate, building in deserted places, under bridges, and on rocky crevices. The swallows utter constantly a rather sweet low note; the swifts chatter harshly and incessantly at their nests. These differences are observable to the most careless people. Scientists separate the birds on account of anatomical structure also. Despite this, the birds are confused in most of our translations.
“Like a swallow or a crane, so did I chatter;
I did moan as a dove; mine eyes fail with looking upward:
O Lord, I am oppressed, be thou my surety”
Here ‘aghur is translated “swallow” and cuc “crane,” which is clearly interchanging words, as the Arabic for “swift” is cuc, the same as the Hebrew. The line should read, “swift and crane.” And another reason for changing swallow to swift, in this passage, lies in the fact that of the two birds the swift is the incessant and raucous chatterer, and this was the idea in the mind of Hezekiah when he sang his Trouble Song. Another incorrect reference is found in Jeremiah 8:7 : “Yea, the stork in the heavens knoweth her appointed times; and the turtle-dove and the swallow and the crane observe the time of their coming; but my people know not the law of Yahweh.” Few swallows migrate. Returning swifts are one of the first signs of spring.
“As the sparrow in her wandering, as the swallow in her flying,
So the curse that is causeless alighteth not” (Proverbs 26:2).
This reference might apply to either, remembering always that the swift took its name from its exceptional flight, it being able to cover over 80 miles an hour. However, the swallow is credited with 800 miles in a night.
“Yea, the sparrow hath found her a house,
And the swallow a nest for herself, where she may lay her young,
Even thine altars, O Yahweh of hosts,
My King, and my God” (Psalms 84:3).
Here is one instance, at least, where the swallow is at home and the translation correct. The swift might possibly have built in the temple: the swallow was sure to be there.
Whoever the sun has set free is free indeed. God had set me free from my false expectations. From my contradictions and misfortunes. He brought me back to the beginning of my promises. On the very first day, he gave them to me. The dancing swallows were a representation of that. I realized that this went deeper than I had ever known. My entire life I felt like people were controlling me, or telling me how my walk with God was supposed to go. I was told by man what was right and wrong, and whether or not I had heard from the Lord correctly. Anytime I questioned it, I was attacked by those people. So I learned to not reveal what the Lord would show me, or the desires I had in my heart, and for so long I had let other people tell me what that was, I ended up forgetting what I wanted in the first place. When I finally broke out of that, God had given me something THAT WAS JUST MINE. A part of my call, something I could count on and trust. Because God is a faithful God right? So I pulled a Joseph, and I had shared this gift with the wrong people. People I thought I could trust. I quickly fell back into letting man tell me what to do, think, and say again. I let them tell me how I felt, what I heard, what I saw, but what was the most dangerous was letting them be God’s voice to me.
It became an unhealthy spiral that got out of control, and for an entire year, I felt trapped in this promise that was supposed to be from God. Then, one day as I was walking to the store, God had led my friend to pray for me, Somebody who had been walking in this with me. She asked God to reveal to me, that I still had a choice. That the “obedience” I was walking in wasn’t healthy, and I was going down a path that God hadn’t laid for me, even though she believed that my promises from him were still true. Right after she prayed that prayer God spoke to me and he asked
“Kylie, what do you want?” I was taken aback for a second, why did it matter what I wanted?
“I don’t know God….you know me best what do I want?” Again he asked, “What do you want? Do you still want this?” I was afraid to answer that. “I want whatever you want for me God. If you call me to something I will obey.” I could feel that sadden his heart, I didn’t know why. So ONCE AGAIN HE ASKED ME, “Kylie, what do you want?” “I DON’T KNOW GOD WHAT DO I WANT? YOU CREATED ME, YOU KNOW WHAT I WANT! YOU PLACE THE DESIRES IN MY HEART SO DO I STILL WANT THIS? I DON’T KNOW DO I?? Why are you asking me this if you already know the answer!?” We were both still for a moment, and this time in a still small voice he said, “Kylie, do you still want this…?” And this time I waited to respond, and I pushed past the fear and genuinely thought about it. What if the answer was no? What would happen? Is it no? A maybe…?
“I do not want it how it is now. What it has become. I want what you showed me in the beginning. Not what man has told me since then.” He was pleased with that answer, and I felt a movement in the spirit. A shift. That was the beginning of the chains breaking off, so a few months later there I sat in the field of yellow daisies, with swallows dancing all around me in celebration for God had set me free, and I was free indeed! I could start over, I could start again, how good is God’s grace! Oh, how wonderful is our Lord! A God that I do not deserve. Yet he loves me anyway, enough to protect me from my flesh and sin.
(Ecc. 1:3 What profit hath a man of all his labor which he taketh under the sun?)
To everything there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven:
A time to be born, and a time to die; a time to plant, and a time to pluck up that which is planted;
A time to kill, and a time to heal; a time to break down, and a time to build up;
A time to weep, and a time to laugh; a time to mourn, and a time to dance;
A time to cast away stones, and a time to gather stones together; a time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing;
A time to get, and a time to lose; a time to keep, and a time to cast away;
A time to rend, and a time to sew; a time to keep silence, and a time to speak;
A time to love, and a time to hate; a time of war, and a time of peace.
What profit hath he that worketh in that wherein he laboureth?
I have seen the travail, which God hath given to the sons of men to be exercised in it.
He hath made every thing beautiful in his time: also he hath set the world in their heart, so that no man can find out the work that God maketh from the beginning to the end.
I chased after the sun, instead of the SON! Empty promises, I let the enemy feed me what I wanted to hear because I was not content enough to wait for the things of the Lord. An unfaithful bride I was to the King who gave me life! I have seen nothing worth chasing in my own eyes. Desires I knew weren’t time. To think that my pride was so high Gods blessings and promises to me were not enough to wait for is disgraceful. Yet with open arms, he has forgiven me. Can I have another chance…? Is it too late? Have I lost the gifts you wanted to give me? Have I ruined everything? Is your grace still sufficient?
I had lost who I was in the storm, like Peter I walked on the water and fell. Yet you have been slowly restoring my spirit, gifts, and talents. I can write again. I can sing and laugh, dance with joy! Your ways are not our own. I understand that now and have to trust that this whole mess had a purpose. And that you still make beauty out of ashes. I’m willing to wait for Beauty God, I’m willing to completely surrender myself to you again, to walk faithfully, not to be distracted anymore by the things of the world. For you have overcome it all! And everything that is under the Sun is meaningless, but the things that are from your SON, Take patience.